“All important ideas must include the trees, the mountains, and the rivers.” – Mary Oliver

When life is filled with chaos, it’s no secret that returning to nature is the best medicine. School was well under way and things were feeling very out of control – we had all sorts of reviews of our students, monthly tests, plans, and work that seemed to never cease to pile up. Jeremy had the brilliant idea of pulling us both out of the sleep, work, and repeat cycle of the week and spending a sunset among the cherry blossoms. Let me tell you, it was divine! I realized that I had never really seen cherry blossoms in my life – and walking along the river in Busan through an aisle of cherry blossoms was like entering into Wonderland.

We walked along the river taking in the immense beauty, and I felt a sense of calm and healing. We took many pictures, laughed a lot, and enjoyed the gentle cherry blossom snow as it fell around us. Much like the fall leaves, cherry blossoms bloom in magnificence for such a short while – gently falling to the ground to make way to the bright, green leaves the trees boast in the summertime. It reminds me very much of Liz Gilbert’s words in Eat, Pray, Love – “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

Every time I have made a major life change, I’ve always gone through a phase that I like to call the “Why the F*** did I think I could do this?” phase. This was birthed when I was all alone on a farm in Italy and all I wrote in my journal the whole day was, and I quote, “WHY THE FUCK DID I THINK I COULD DO THIS?!” It felt like a moment of utter despair – “how could I be living out my DREAM LIFE and feel this unhappy?! Who was I to be living in another country with NO experience – I’m not Elizabeth Fucking Gilbert! Why the FUCK did I think I could do this?!” The answer has become clear to me after a number of life altering decisions – no matter how much you want something, change will always be hard. It doesn’t come easy to us humans – our bodies go into panic mode when we are completely and utterly immersed in the unknown. I have come to understand that I will go through this phase many, many times in my life, and it is best to let it wash over me in all of its manic glory. I felt this way that summer in Italy, when I went to a small town in Iowa for college, and when I took my job in commercial real estate with no experience. Weeks 2-5 of teaching were VERY much this phase, and I think it’s important for us who are living out our dreams to be vocal about this.

It will always be painful to start over – but ruin is a gift. I believe with every piece of me that it is the road to transformation. I am now heading into week 8 of teaching and I am feeling the imposter syndrome, the doubts, and the resistance giving way to gratitude, confidence, and belonging. I am leaning into this precious life and finding my stride – I’m grateful to the cherry blossoms around me for reminding me that their is infinite beauty in transformation.

All of my Love,

Lex